I will be reading Proverbs 31 over and over again this year, and as I do this blog, in particular. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately has been verse 15, which in the NIV is "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls," and verse 18, "She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night."
Having struggled with insomnia for many years (not much anymore) and with sleep as probably my number one unattainable need, these verses are sobering. But as I thought about them, I realized it's not that bad. After all, I go to bed after dark all the time. Often too late. So this doesn't mean I need to stay up late and wake up early, thus getting hardly any sleep at all. It just means I should finish the day's work, even if that means being up after dark. I also get the feeling, from the nature of the language, that it means I should be available for my family and those in need, even if it is late.
Even if my kids are in bed on time, and all is quiet in the house, it takes me at least an hour to get comfortable enough and turn off my mind enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes even 2 hours or more. This is extremely frustrating for me because it is such a blessing to have my youngest sleeping so well--yet it escapes me? Before I had children I had the same problem. I had such a difficult time getting enough sleep, getting up to get ready for work. As I considered these verses I realized that sleep has been elusive for me regardless of my circumstances. This makes it hard for me to heed the second verse--I am always tired.
If going to bed after dark isn't a problem for me (is it for any of us nowadays?), getting up while it is still dark definitely is. I am not grumpy in the morning, but I am tired. I have not been getting up, most days, before 8:30 a.m. for several months. I'm not sleeping most of that time, but I'm trying in vain to get a few last winks before I have to get up to face the day. But all this does is end up setting back the rest of my tasks for the day. Thankfully my girls sleep in too, but it is my hope and my goal to start getting out of bed and getting my day started at a decent hour. I feel like I just went to confession, admitting that I get out of bed so late. I just desperately want and need more sleep, and if I do get up, I can't get anything done for myself without waking up the girls. I hope this will change, because I need just 15 minutes to myself to get READY. Otherwise, all of my needs fall by the wayside as I get up and begin getting the little ones dressed and diapered and fed. Hence, why I am typing this in my pajamas. I've started doing my best to turn out the lights at 10 p.m., regardless of what Ross is doing. It worked pretty well for a week, but the last two nights I stayed up, enjoying the quiet while I spend 15 to 30 minutes getting something done I don't have time for when the babes are awake. It's not a good idea for me to do that, however; I realize that what I really need is more sleep and to get up much sooner--perhaps someday before the sun is up--to prepare to serve my family. This is not who I am today, but it is who I yearn to be. Meanwhile I remain, in this regard, decisively un-31.
Maybe today will be a better day after we all take a good nap.
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