Find out what it means to me! I mean, find out what it means to my husband. Is it shocking that that famous song, belted out so boldly by Aretha Franklin, was written by a man?
Ephesians 5:33 says "and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (ESV) at the conclusion of that very controversial and very demanding section of Paul's letter. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Am I living in such a way toward my husband?
In a word...no. I'm not. I know it deep down every day. I know that the Bible calls me to respect him unconditionally, since it is clearly stated as a command. Something has changed in my heart since we were married. I can remember what I used to feel like toward him in the beginning, during the two years we dated and during the first year or two of our marriage. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I look back and see that it is now a couple of years that in my eyes, I have not only seen him differently but treated him differently.
I am a natural leader and goal-setter (not that I always follow through with those goals...ah, one of many faults. Many, many faults...) and my husband tends to pull back and not necessarily step right up to take charge of a situation or set a goal. There have been certain situations during our marriage when it was time for him to do so, and I tried to do it myself instead. Initially, he helped me see what was his job and asked me to trust him. I did, but after a long period of waiting, was disappointed.
Now let me stop here before I get into any further details. What I'm trying to explain is that there was a significant occurrence in our marriage where I needed his follow through and he didn't deliver. Is he the only person who has ever done this? No. How often have I set goals and declared my desire to change only to be found guilty of laziness and forgetfulness and apathy months and years later? The point is that there was a turning point in our marriage for me after that incident (well, not exactly an "incident," but a season of disappointment after months of waiting for something that truly needed to be taken care of). I allowed myself to lose respect for him. Because I have always lived my life towards men with the worldly idea that in order for me to respect them, they've gotta earn it.
I could get into all the reasons why stemming from my childhood, but I won't. There's a huge list of things I am still healing from, as are many people--ahem, most people. It's good for me to just know that there are reasons and that there remains in my heart much in need of recovery. The big issue, really? Submission. And not only to my husband, or even ultimately to him, but to Christ. Because He is the one commanding me to respect my husband, not my husband himself. I don't think he would tell me to respect him if he felt like it. Yes, that is how dominant in some ways I have become--I shoot down wayyyyy too many things he says to me in the dimension of "this should change."
Now that that's out, let me just say that I'm realizing lately how, um, difficult it is for me to do this. Ugh! Why do I have to respect anyone who hasn't earned it? Excuse me? I can take care of myself, thank you. I will take care of everything myself. I will lower my expectations and you can just forget about me treating you with kindness and respect, you forgetful.... Yeah, ashamedly, that is too often my attitude. Whoa! Talk about some anger and contempt towards the opposite sex! God is showing me just how deeply rooted in my heart contempt runs, not necessarily (though yes sometimes) towards my husband, but just men in general. Why?! Why?! I think and cry out, but I know the reasons are not what God really wants to get into right now. I feel in my spirit His tugging at me to just trust Him that yes, I do have some issues, and that if I listen to and submit to Him, remembering that what I do to my husband I am doing unto the Lord, things can change. They need to change, badly. Ooh, boy, He has given me a picture of what our marriage could become and it is not pretty, folks. I hate this feeling that so much seems dependent on ME and my attitude and my follow-through...but even that is not the whole truth. Honestly, it's actually really selfish of me to think it's all up to me. What I need to do is die every day...but, die to what? What does that mean exactly?
"I think we need to talk. Yes, we need to talk about our finances. Again. Perhaps I should ask him if he's been thinking about them at all lately. Pssh. Of course he hasn't. But I will remind him that he should be. And has he looked around at the house lately? Of course not. But I will let him know how difficult it is for me to live in this chaos, and if I could just get a little more help around here, a little more attentiveness to what needs to be done..." Okay. It means telling that voice to SHUT UP. No, to shut the hell up, because talking like that is bringing hell into our home! It brings hell into my heart. In all honesty, for me, dying to self most of the time just means shutting up. Sad, but true.
*cough* So...now I will practice what I preach and go shut up and do something that needs to be done, without complaint, as unto the Lord.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
After Dark, Before Dawn
I will be reading Proverbs 31 over and over again this year, and as I do this blog, in particular. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately has been verse 15, which in the NIV is "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls," and verse 18, "She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night."
Having struggled with insomnia for many years (not much anymore) and with sleep as probably my number one unattainable need, these verses are sobering. But as I thought about them, I realized it's not that bad. After all, I go to bed after dark all the time. Often too late. So this doesn't mean I need to stay up late and wake up early, thus getting hardly any sleep at all. It just means I should finish the day's work, even if that means being up after dark. I also get the feeling, from the nature of the language, that it means I should be available for my family and those in need, even if it is late.
Even if my kids are in bed on time, and all is quiet in the house, it takes me at least an hour to get comfortable enough and turn off my mind enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes even 2 hours or more. This is extremely frustrating for me because it is such a blessing to have my youngest sleeping so well--yet it escapes me? Before I had children I had the same problem. I had such a difficult time getting enough sleep, getting up to get ready for work. As I considered these verses I realized that sleep has been elusive for me regardless of my circumstances. This makes it hard for me to heed the second verse--I am always tired.
If going to bed after dark isn't a problem for me (is it for any of us nowadays?), getting up while it is still dark definitely is. I am not grumpy in the morning, but I am tired. I have not been getting up, most days, before 8:30 a.m. for several months. I'm not sleeping most of that time, but I'm trying in vain to get a few last winks before I have to get up to face the day. But all this does is end up setting back the rest of my tasks for the day. Thankfully my girls sleep in too, but it is my hope and my goal to start getting out of bed and getting my day started at a decent hour. I feel like I just went to confession, admitting that I get out of bed so late. I just desperately want and need more sleep, and if I do get up, I can't get anything done for myself without waking up the girls. I hope this will change, because I need just 15 minutes to myself to get READY. Otherwise, all of my needs fall by the wayside as I get up and begin getting the little ones dressed and diapered and fed. Hence, why I am typing this in my pajamas. I've started doing my best to turn out the lights at 10 p.m., regardless of what Ross is doing. It worked pretty well for a week, but the last two nights I stayed up, enjoying the quiet while I spend 15 to 30 minutes getting something done I don't have time for when the babes are awake. It's not a good idea for me to do that, however; I realize that what I really need is more sleep and to get up much sooner--perhaps someday before the sun is up--to prepare to serve my family. This is not who I am today, but it is who I yearn to be. Meanwhile I remain, in this regard, decisively un-31.
Maybe today will be a better day after we all take a good nap.
Having struggled with insomnia for many years (not much anymore) and with sleep as probably my number one unattainable need, these verses are sobering. But as I thought about them, I realized it's not that bad. After all, I go to bed after dark all the time. Often too late. So this doesn't mean I need to stay up late and wake up early, thus getting hardly any sleep at all. It just means I should finish the day's work, even if that means being up after dark. I also get the feeling, from the nature of the language, that it means I should be available for my family and those in need, even if it is late.
Even if my kids are in bed on time, and all is quiet in the house, it takes me at least an hour to get comfortable enough and turn off my mind enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes even 2 hours or more. This is extremely frustrating for me because it is such a blessing to have my youngest sleeping so well--yet it escapes me? Before I had children I had the same problem. I had such a difficult time getting enough sleep, getting up to get ready for work. As I considered these verses I realized that sleep has been elusive for me regardless of my circumstances. This makes it hard for me to heed the second verse--I am always tired.
If going to bed after dark isn't a problem for me (is it for any of us nowadays?), getting up while it is still dark definitely is. I am not grumpy in the morning, but I am tired. I have not been getting up, most days, before 8:30 a.m. for several months. I'm not sleeping most of that time, but I'm trying in vain to get a few last winks before I have to get up to face the day. But all this does is end up setting back the rest of my tasks for the day. Thankfully my girls sleep in too, but it is my hope and my goal to start getting out of bed and getting my day started at a decent hour. I feel like I just went to confession, admitting that I get out of bed so late. I just desperately want and need more sleep, and if I do get up, I can't get anything done for myself without waking up the girls. I hope this will change, because I need just 15 minutes to myself to get READY. Otherwise, all of my needs fall by the wayside as I get up and begin getting the little ones dressed and diapered and fed. Hence, why I am typing this in my pajamas. I've started doing my best to turn out the lights at 10 p.m., regardless of what Ross is doing. It worked pretty well for a week, but the last two nights I stayed up, enjoying the quiet while I spend 15 to 30 minutes getting something done I don't have time for when the babes are awake. It's not a good idea for me to do that, however; I realize that what I really need is more sleep and to get up much sooner--perhaps someday before the sun is up--to prepare to serve my family. This is not who I am today, but it is who I yearn to be. Meanwhile I remain, in this regard, decisively un-31.
Maybe today will be a better day after we all take a good nap.
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