Yesterday I pretty much had a nuclear explosion in front of my kids after the millionth time of telling my oldest to stop what she was doing. I am amazed at how I choose to express my anger by having temper tantrums. I cried and apologized and let her know how wrong I was to do that. The other day I was thinking about how awful it is that I am so bad at dealing with anger, and how quick I am to anger. Then I thought about all of the other sins and issues God has brought me through in the last 12 years since I came to know Him, and how this has been a pretty hidden sin for most of my life, and how I haven't ever really confessed these fits of rage to anyone on a regular basis. I have been asking my small group for prayer about this for a few months now and am confessing to not just my husband but close friends as well. I am simply ashamed of it, but I know I must bring it into the light. And I felt the grace of God as I was contemplating this--that He knows through and through that this is a problem for me and He has brought me here, to this place and this time in my life, to show me His goodness in that, working together with Him, this is the next thing He wants to purge from me. This is what He wants me to put on the table right now for him to destroy, to put to death. This is the flesh that He wants to crucify now. He probably has wanted to for a long time but I haven't let Him. Now is the time. I am ready.
I haven't blogged for a couple of months because, quite happily, I have been busy in some FUN ways. I have been making more time to be creative. I have had a couple of my best friends come to see me and bless me in huge ways just by their grounding presence. I have been growing closer to my best friend here in town as she goes through a difficult physical trial. We even had a fun semi-family-reunion at some motorcycle races at the beginning of October. My birthday was not monumental, but I felt loved and received gifts or cards from ALL of my immediate family--a first in a long time! My favorite gift was from my brother and his wife, an espresso machine--heck ya! And my favorite card was from my father. He didn't write the words in it, but it was like he did--every single line of the poem in it was part of our relationship. It means so much to me that he is proud of me. I felt more blessed and loved this birthday than I have in a long time. My hubs and I even had a dinner date, and even though our dinner was way too expensive and not very good, we found a cute little chocolate shop just down the street and ate too many chocolates together. I even tried a French macaron for the first time, and it really wasn't that good. :/
Things are tough in some ways around me, but I am finding this November to be one that I am feeling very thankful and grateful most days. I have discovered over and over in my short life that being thankful helps take the focus off of myself and thus brings more joy and expectation and hope into my life. I will never be more grateful for anything than I am for my relationship with Jesus and His Church, and my family. As I strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman I find that this is a character trait God cherishes in his daughters. Help me be more and more content and grateful, Father.
