Yesterday I pretty much had a nuclear explosion in front of my kids after the millionth time of telling my oldest to stop what she was doing. I am amazed at how I choose to express my anger by having temper tantrums. I cried and apologized and let her know how wrong I was to do that. The other day I was thinking about how awful it is that I am so bad at dealing with anger, and how quick I am to anger. Then I thought about all of the other sins and issues God has brought me through in the last 12 years since I came to know Him, and how this has been a pretty hidden sin for most of my life, and how I haven't ever really confessed these fits of rage to anyone on a regular basis. I have been asking my small group for prayer about this for a few months now and am confessing to not just my husband but close friends as well. I am simply ashamed of it, but I know I must bring it into the light. And I felt the grace of God as I was contemplating this--that He knows through and through that this is a problem for me and He has brought me here, to this place and this time in my life, to show me His goodness in that, working together with Him, this is the next thing He wants to purge from me. This is what He wants me to put on the table right now for him to destroy, to put to death. This is the flesh that He wants to crucify now. He probably has wanted to for a long time but I haven't let Him. Now is the time. I am ready.
I haven't blogged for a couple of months because, quite happily, I have been busy in some FUN ways. I have been making more time to be creative. I have had a couple of my best friends come to see me and bless me in huge ways just by their grounding presence. I have been growing closer to my best friend here in town as she goes through a difficult physical trial. We even had a fun semi-family-reunion at some motorcycle races at the beginning of October. My birthday was not monumental, but I felt loved and received gifts or cards from ALL of my immediate family--a first in a long time! My favorite gift was from my brother and his wife, an espresso machine--heck ya! And my favorite card was from my father. He didn't write the words in it, but it was like he did--every single line of the poem in it was part of our relationship. It means so much to me that he is proud of me. I felt more blessed and loved this birthday than I have in a long time. My hubs and I even had a dinner date, and even though our dinner was way too expensive and not very good, we found a cute little chocolate shop just down the street and ate too many chocolates together. I even tried a French macaron for the first time, and it really wasn't that good. :/
Things are tough in some ways around me, but I am finding this November to be one that I am feeling very thankful and grateful most days. I have discovered over and over in my short life that being thankful helps take the focus off of myself and thus brings more joy and expectation and hope into my life. I will never be more grateful for anything than I am for my relationship with Jesus and His Church, and my family. As I strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman I find that this is a character trait God cherishes in his daughters. Help me be more and more content and grateful, Father.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me! I mean, find out what it means to my husband. Is it shocking that that famous song, belted out so boldly by Aretha Franklin, was written by a man?
Ephesians 5:33 says "and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (ESV) at the conclusion of that very controversial and very demanding section of Paul's letter. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Am I living in such a way toward my husband?
In a word...no. I'm not. I know it deep down every day. I know that the Bible calls me to respect him unconditionally, since it is clearly stated as a command. Something has changed in my heart since we were married. I can remember what I used to feel like toward him in the beginning, during the two years we dated and during the first year or two of our marriage. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I look back and see that it is now a couple of years that in my eyes, I have not only seen him differently but treated him differently.
I am a natural leader and goal-setter (not that I always follow through with those goals...ah, one of many faults. Many, many faults...) and my husband tends to pull back and not necessarily step right up to take charge of a situation or set a goal. There have been certain situations during our marriage when it was time for him to do so, and I tried to do it myself instead. Initially, he helped me see what was his job and asked me to trust him. I did, but after a long period of waiting, was disappointed.
Now let me stop here before I get into any further details. What I'm trying to explain is that there was a significant occurrence in our marriage where I needed his follow through and he didn't deliver. Is he the only person who has ever done this? No. How often have I set goals and declared my desire to change only to be found guilty of laziness and forgetfulness and apathy months and years later? The point is that there was a turning point in our marriage for me after that incident (well, not exactly an "incident," but a season of disappointment after months of waiting for something that truly needed to be taken care of). I allowed myself to lose respect for him. Because I have always lived my life towards men with the worldly idea that in order for me to respect them, they've gotta earn it.
I could get into all the reasons why stemming from my childhood, but I won't. There's a huge list of things I am still healing from, as are many people--ahem, most people. It's good for me to just know that there are reasons and that there remains in my heart much in need of recovery. The big issue, really? Submission. And not only to my husband, or even ultimately to him, but to Christ. Because He is the one commanding me to respect my husband, not my husband himself. I don't think he would tell me to respect him if he felt like it. Yes, that is how dominant in some ways I have become--I shoot down wayyyyy too many things he says to me in the dimension of "this should change."
Now that that's out, let me just say that I'm realizing lately how, um, difficult it is for me to do this. Ugh! Why do I have to respect anyone who hasn't earned it? Excuse me? I can take care of myself, thank you. I will take care of everything myself. I will lower my expectations and you can just forget about me treating you with kindness and respect, you forgetful.... Yeah, ashamedly, that is too often my attitude. Whoa! Talk about some anger and contempt towards the opposite sex! God is showing me just how deeply rooted in my heart contempt runs, not necessarily (though yes sometimes) towards my husband, but just men in general. Why?! Why?! I think and cry out, but I know the reasons are not what God really wants to get into right now. I feel in my spirit His tugging at me to just trust Him that yes, I do have some issues, and that if I listen to and submit to Him, remembering that what I do to my husband I am doing unto the Lord, things can change. They need to change, badly. Ooh, boy, He has given me a picture of what our marriage could become and it is not pretty, folks. I hate this feeling that so much seems dependent on ME and my attitude and my follow-through...but even that is not the whole truth. Honestly, it's actually really selfish of me to think it's all up to me. What I need to do is die every day...but, die to what? What does that mean exactly?
"I think we need to talk. Yes, we need to talk about our finances. Again. Perhaps I should ask him if he's been thinking about them at all lately. Pssh. Of course he hasn't. But I will remind him that he should be. And has he looked around at the house lately? Of course not. But I will let him know how difficult it is for me to live in this chaos, and if I could just get a little more help around here, a little more attentiveness to what needs to be done..." Okay. It means telling that voice to SHUT UP. No, to shut the hell up, because talking like that is bringing hell into our home! It brings hell into my heart. In all honesty, for me, dying to self most of the time just means shutting up. Sad, but true.
*cough* So...now I will practice what I preach and go shut up and do something that needs to be done, without complaint, as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:33 says "and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (ESV) at the conclusion of that very controversial and very demanding section of Paul's letter. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Am I living in such a way toward my husband?
In a word...no. I'm not. I know it deep down every day. I know that the Bible calls me to respect him unconditionally, since it is clearly stated as a command. Something has changed in my heart since we were married. I can remember what I used to feel like toward him in the beginning, during the two years we dated and during the first year or two of our marriage. As we approach our fourth anniversary, I look back and see that it is now a couple of years that in my eyes, I have not only seen him differently but treated him differently.
I am a natural leader and goal-setter (not that I always follow through with those goals...ah, one of many faults. Many, many faults...) and my husband tends to pull back and not necessarily step right up to take charge of a situation or set a goal. There have been certain situations during our marriage when it was time for him to do so, and I tried to do it myself instead. Initially, he helped me see what was his job and asked me to trust him. I did, but after a long period of waiting, was disappointed.
Now let me stop here before I get into any further details. What I'm trying to explain is that there was a significant occurrence in our marriage where I needed his follow through and he didn't deliver. Is he the only person who has ever done this? No. How often have I set goals and declared my desire to change only to be found guilty of laziness and forgetfulness and apathy months and years later? The point is that there was a turning point in our marriage for me after that incident (well, not exactly an "incident," but a season of disappointment after months of waiting for something that truly needed to be taken care of). I allowed myself to lose respect for him. Because I have always lived my life towards men with the worldly idea that in order for me to respect them, they've gotta earn it.
I could get into all the reasons why stemming from my childhood, but I won't. There's a huge list of things I am still healing from, as are many people--ahem, most people. It's good for me to just know that there are reasons and that there remains in my heart much in need of recovery. The big issue, really? Submission. And not only to my husband, or even ultimately to him, but to Christ. Because He is the one commanding me to respect my husband, not my husband himself. I don't think he would tell me to respect him if he felt like it. Yes, that is how dominant in some ways I have become--I shoot down wayyyyy too many things he says to me in the dimension of "this should change."
Now that that's out, let me just say that I'm realizing lately how, um, difficult it is for me to do this. Ugh! Why do I have to respect anyone who hasn't earned it? Excuse me? I can take care of myself, thank you. I will take care of everything myself. I will lower my expectations and you can just forget about me treating you with kindness and respect, you forgetful.... Yeah, ashamedly, that is too often my attitude. Whoa! Talk about some anger and contempt towards the opposite sex! God is showing me just how deeply rooted in my heart contempt runs, not necessarily (though yes sometimes) towards my husband, but just men in general. Why?! Why?! I think and cry out, but I know the reasons are not what God really wants to get into right now. I feel in my spirit His tugging at me to just trust Him that yes, I do have some issues, and that if I listen to and submit to Him, remembering that what I do to my husband I am doing unto the Lord, things can change. They need to change, badly. Ooh, boy, He has given me a picture of what our marriage could become and it is not pretty, folks. I hate this feeling that so much seems dependent on ME and my attitude and my follow-through...but even that is not the whole truth. Honestly, it's actually really selfish of me to think it's all up to me. What I need to do is die every day...but, die to what? What does that mean exactly?
"I think we need to talk. Yes, we need to talk about our finances. Again. Perhaps I should ask him if he's been thinking about them at all lately. Pssh. Of course he hasn't. But I will remind him that he should be. And has he looked around at the house lately? Of course not. But I will let him know how difficult it is for me to live in this chaos, and if I could just get a little more help around here, a little more attentiveness to what needs to be done..." Okay. It means telling that voice to SHUT UP. No, to shut the hell up, because talking like that is bringing hell into our home! It brings hell into my heart. In all honesty, for me, dying to self most of the time just means shutting up. Sad, but true.
*cough* So...now I will practice what I preach and go shut up and do something that needs to be done, without complaint, as unto the Lord.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
After Dark, Before Dawn
I will be reading Proverbs 31 over and over again this year, and as I do this blog, in particular. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately has been verse 15, which in the NIV is "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls," and verse 18, "She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night."
Having struggled with insomnia for many years (not much anymore) and with sleep as probably my number one unattainable need, these verses are sobering. But as I thought about them, I realized it's not that bad. After all, I go to bed after dark all the time. Often too late. So this doesn't mean I need to stay up late and wake up early, thus getting hardly any sleep at all. It just means I should finish the day's work, even if that means being up after dark. I also get the feeling, from the nature of the language, that it means I should be available for my family and those in need, even if it is late.
Even if my kids are in bed on time, and all is quiet in the house, it takes me at least an hour to get comfortable enough and turn off my mind enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes even 2 hours or more. This is extremely frustrating for me because it is such a blessing to have my youngest sleeping so well--yet it escapes me? Before I had children I had the same problem. I had such a difficult time getting enough sleep, getting up to get ready for work. As I considered these verses I realized that sleep has been elusive for me regardless of my circumstances. This makes it hard for me to heed the second verse--I am always tired.
If going to bed after dark isn't a problem for me (is it for any of us nowadays?), getting up while it is still dark definitely is. I am not grumpy in the morning, but I am tired. I have not been getting up, most days, before 8:30 a.m. for several months. I'm not sleeping most of that time, but I'm trying in vain to get a few last winks before I have to get up to face the day. But all this does is end up setting back the rest of my tasks for the day. Thankfully my girls sleep in too, but it is my hope and my goal to start getting out of bed and getting my day started at a decent hour. I feel like I just went to confession, admitting that I get out of bed so late. I just desperately want and need more sleep, and if I do get up, I can't get anything done for myself without waking up the girls. I hope this will change, because I need just 15 minutes to myself to get READY. Otherwise, all of my needs fall by the wayside as I get up and begin getting the little ones dressed and diapered and fed. Hence, why I am typing this in my pajamas. I've started doing my best to turn out the lights at 10 p.m., regardless of what Ross is doing. It worked pretty well for a week, but the last two nights I stayed up, enjoying the quiet while I spend 15 to 30 minutes getting something done I don't have time for when the babes are awake. It's not a good idea for me to do that, however; I realize that what I really need is more sleep and to get up much sooner--perhaps someday before the sun is up--to prepare to serve my family. This is not who I am today, but it is who I yearn to be. Meanwhile I remain, in this regard, decisively un-31.
Maybe today will be a better day after we all take a good nap.
Having struggled with insomnia for many years (not much anymore) and with sleep as probably my number one unattainable need, these verses are sobering. But as I thought about them, I realized it's not that bad. After all, I go to bed after dark all the time. Often too late. So this doesn't mean I need to stay up late and wake up early, thus getting hardly any sleep at all. It just means I should finish the day's work, even if that means being up after dark. I also get the feeling, from the nature of the language, that it means I should be available for my family and those in need, even if it is late.
Even if my kids are in bed on time, and all is quiet in the house, it takes me at least an hour to get comfortable enough and turn off my mind enough to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes even 2 hours or more. This is extremely frustrating for me because it is such a blessing to have my youngest sleeping so well--yet it escapes me? Before I had children I had the same problem. I had such a difficult time getting enough sleep, getting up to get ready for work. As I considered these verses I realized that sleep has been elusive for me regardless of my circumstances. This makes it hard for me to heed the second verse--I am always tired.
If going to bed after dark isn't a problem for me (is it for any of us nowadays?), getting up while it is still dark definitely is. I am not grumpy in the morning, but I am tired. I have not been getting up, most days, before 8:30 a.m. for several months. I'm not sleeping most of that time, but I'm trying in vain to get a few last winks before I have to get up to face the day. But all this does is end up setting back the rest of my tasks for the day. Thankfully my girls sleep in too, but it is my hope and my goal to start getting out of bed and getting my day started at a decent hour. I feel like I just went to confession, admitting that I get out of bed so late. I just desperately want and need more sleep, and if I do get up, I can't get anything done for myself without waking up the girls. I hope this will change, because I need just 15 minutes to myself to get READY. Otherwise, all of my needs fall by the wayside as I get up and begin getting the little ones dressed and diapered and fed. Hence, why I am typing this in my pajamas. I've started doing my best to turn out the lights at 10 p.m., regardless of what Ross is doing. It worked pretty well for a week, but the last two nights I stayed up, enjoying the quiet while I spend 15 to 30 minutes getting something done I don't have time for when the babes are awake. It's not a good idea for me to do that, however; I realize that what I really need is more sleep and to get up much sooner--perhaps someday before the sun is up--to prepare to serve my family. This is not who I am today, but it is who I yearn to be. Meanwhile I remain, in this regard, decisively un-31.
Maybe today will be a better day after we all take a good nap.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Oh yeah. I'm gonna be 31.
Started off this new blog yesterday. I forgot to mention the other inspiration for the blog title was that I am turning 31 this year. So why not make it even more so a year to strive to be "that 31 woman?"
I started blogging in 2002. I love looking at my old blogs and seeing how I have changed since then and how I've stayed the same. I don't like some things I read, and some things make me nostalgic and very happy. A lot of great memories are stored in my old blogs.
I pretty much stopped blogging in 2004. I had moved back to Missouri after a failed attempt to move to California that ended up with me in Reno, Nevada, living with my dad, my brother, my uncle, and three male cousins. Thankfully I felt God telling me that, in spite of my grandiose move out West (which included lying to my dad about having a co-pilot so I could drive the 4,000 miles to MO and back in order to graduate and also pack up all my stuff for said planned move to Cali), He wanted me back in Missouri to focus on getting out of debt before "pursuing my dreams." So I did that and it completely altered the course of my life. But, I'm out of debt, married to a wonderful man, and now a stay-at-home mommy. In the midst of those drastic changes to my own plans I felt silly and superficial whenever I tried to blog.
Since that time, blogs have truly taken off. I now subscribe to 10 or so blogs, most of which include vast amounts of creativity coupled with beautiful pictures. Lots of the pictures have to do with food or home improvement or upcycling. It is incredible to me that there are blogs about almost anything a person could dream up. Recently a couple of friends encouraged me to start one up again. I guess I just needed some middle-of-the-night inspiration.
Anyways, what are some of your favorite blogs? Here are just a few of mine:
http://www.designsponge.com/
http://www.ecovelo.info/
(Ooh! Looks like an awesome commuter bike post today!)
http://my50syear.blogspot.com/
http://smallnotebook.org/
Wanna know what they're about? Check 'em out. Gone are the days when I don't know what an RSS feed is. A follower of my old blog once "begged" me to get one, and I was dumbfounded. Now I find subscribing to blogs and reading updates as satisfying, if not more so, than getting a new, shiny magazine! Which, for those of you who have known me a while, is saying quite a lot.
I started blogging in 2002. I love looking at my old blogs and seeing how I have changed since then and how I've stayed the same. I don't like some things I read, and some things make me nostalgic and very happy. A lot of great memories are stored in my old blogs.
I pretty much stopped blogging in 2004. I had moved back to Missouri after a failed attempt to move to California that ended up with me in Reno, Nevada, living with my dad, my brother, my uncle, and three male cousins. Thankfully I felt God telling me that, in spite of my grandiose move out West (which included lying to my dad about having a co-pilot so I could drive the 4,000 miles to MO and back in order to graduate and also pack up all my stuff for said planned move to Cali), He wanted me back in Missouri to focus on getting out of debt before "pursuing my dreams." So I did that and it completely altered the course of my life. But, I'm out of debt, married to a wonderful man, and now a stay-at-home mommy. In the midst of those drastic changes to my own plans I felt silly and superficial whenever I tried to blog.
Since that time, blogs have truly taken off. I now subscribe to 10 or so blogs, most of which include vast amounts of creativity coupled with beautiful pictures. Lots of the pictures have to do with food or home improvement or upcycling. It is incredible to me that there are blogs about almost anything a person could dream up. Recently a couple of friends encouraged me to start one up again. I guess I just needed some middle-of-the-night inspiration.
Anyways, what are some of your favorite blogs? Here are just a few of mine:
http://www.designsponge.com/
http://www.ecovelo.info/
(Ooh! Looks like an awesome commuter bike post today!)
http://my50syear.blogspot.com/
http://smallnotebook.org/
Wanna know what they're about? Check 'em out. Gone are the days when I don't know what an RSS feed is. A follower of my old blog once "begged" me to get one, and I was dumbfounded. Now I find subscribing to blogs and reading updates as satisfying, if not more so, than getting a new, shiny magazine! Which, for those of you who have known me a while, is saying quite a lot.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Last night, God woke me up again.
It was 4 or 5 in the morning. He did it yesterday (yesternight) too. He does this sometimes.
When I'm not with Him. When I'm not truly pursuing Him. When I'm losing hold of the real reasons why I'm here.
So, I talked to Him. Confessed and repented. I told my husband the other day that there is a battle going on inside of me--to be a consumer or to be a--well, how else do I describe what I know God is calling me to be?
Proverbs 31. Oh, yes, Proverbs 31. I know, I know. That woman. That unattainable perfection. We either look at her with admiration or turn our heads away in shame or disgust. Why disgust? I think I've done it before--a "yeah, right" said with equal parts contempt and embarrassment. "I can never live up to that God, so don't even ask me to have her as my example, my benchmark, my muse. That will not happen."
I used to say that a lot. Lately, I don't as much. I re-read it a week or two ago. I want to be that woman. In my own way, of course. But what she is, is a servant. She serves her family. She's not so selfish. Like me. She's productive. Lots of blogs I've been reading center around a woman who actually is productive and creative every day. And another thing that has changed is that I have a few friends who actually are living it. They are her. And that kind of makes my cop out, my "yeah right, that's not possible," not really possible for me to say anymore. God has put these friends in my life and I stare at them, their lives, bewildered and flabbergasted. But they do it. Did I mention they have kids? That used to be the other excuse. The excuses are gone.
Back to that battle--the war within. It's between the side of me that looks around at most people and says, "Take it easy! Go shopping. Go out to eat. Buy some clothes and some things for you. You'll feel better. Get a Starbucks whenever you want it. Don't cook dinner because you're tired. Take time for you, cause you need it," and another side. A quieter side. A more difficult way. The other side tells me to stay home most days. To focus on my two little girls and their needs. To focus when I am disciplining them instead of giving them half-hearted instructions and half-hearted "no's." To read to them, dance with them, play with them. To maintain the household in between. To love and respect my husband. In short, to lay down my life. This is how God has called me to lay down my life. It may not be what He calls everyone to do. But it is for me, and oh, how I fight it. Every. Day.
In the night I can't run away from Him. I definitely try with my thoughts (yep, I think sometimes about what I want to buy). But I am so thankful that He is a God who pursues me and calls me to greater things. Will I ever be what He's called me to be? Thankfully, that's not completely up to me. If I walk with Him, He can work through me. I cannot do the changing myself. And that is a gracious, relieving thought.
It was 4 or 5 in the morning. He did it yesterday (yesternight) too. He does this sometimes.
When I'm not with Him. When I'm not truly pursuing Him. When I'm losing hold of the real reasons why I'm here.
So, I talked to Him. Confessed and repented. I told my husband the other day that there is a battle going on inside of me--to be a consumer or to be a--well, how else do I describe what I know God is calling me to be?
Proverbs 31. Oh, yes, Proverbs 31. I know, I know. That woman. That unattainable perfection. We either look at her with admiration or turn our heads away in shame or disgust. Why disgust? I think I've done it before--a "yeah, right" said with equal parts contempt and embarrassment. "I can never live up to that God, so don't even ask me to have her as my example, my benchmark, my muse. That will not happen."
I used to say that a lot. Lately, I don't as much. I re-read it a week or two ago. I want to be that woman. In my own way, of course. But what she is, is a servant. She serves her family. She's not so selfish. Like me. She's productive. Lots of blogs I've been reading center around a woman who actually is productive and creative every day. And another thing that has changed is that I have a few friends who actually are living it. They are her. And that kind of makes my cop out, my "yeah right, that's not possible," not really possible for me to say anymore. God has put these friends in my life and I stare at them, their lives, bewildered and flabbergasted. But they do it. Did I mention they have kids? That used to be the other excuse. The excuses are gone.
Back to that battle--the war within. It's between the side of me that looks around at most people and says, "Take it easy! Go shopping. Go out to eat. Buy some clothes and some things for you. You'll feel better. Get a Starbucks whenever you want it. Don't cook dinner because you're tired. Take time for you, cause you need it," and another side. A quieter side. A more difficult way. The other side tells me to stay home most days. To focus on my two little girls and their needs. To focus when I am disciplining them instead of giving them half-hearted instructions and half-hearted "no's." To read to them, dance with them, play with them. To maintain the household in between. To love and respect my husband. In short, to lay down my life. This is how God has called me to lay down my life. It may not be what He calls everyone to do. But it is for me, and oh, how I fight it. Every. Day.
In the night I can't run away from Him. I definitely try with my thoughts (yep, I think sometimes about what I want to buy). But I am so thankful that He is a God who pursues me and calls me to greater things. Will I ever be what He's called me to be? Thankfully, that's not completely up to me. If I walk with Him, He can work through me. I cannot do the changing myself. And that is a gracious, relieving thought.
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