Last night, God woke me up again.

It was 4 or 5 in the morning. He did it yesterday (yesternight) too. He does this sometimes.

When I'm not with Him. When I'm not truly pursuing Him. When I'm losing hold of the real reasons why I'm here.

So, I talked to Him. Confessed and repented. I told my husband the other day that there is a battle going on inside of me--to be a consumer or to be a--well, how else do I describe what I know God is calling me to be?

Proverbs 31. Oh, yes, Proverbs 31. I know, I know. That woman. That unattainable perfection. We either look at her with admiration or turn our heads away in shame or disgust. Why disgust? I think I've done it before--a "yeah, right" said with equal parts contempt and embarrassment. "I can never live up to that God, so don't even ask me to have her as my example, my benchmark, my muse. That will not happen."

I used to say that a lot. Lately, I don't as much. I re-read it a week or two ago. I want to be that woman. In my own way, of course. But what she is, is a servant. She serves her family. She's not so selfish. Like me. She's productive. Lots of blogs I've been reading center around a woman who actually is productive and creative every day. And another thing that has changed is that I have a few friends who actually are living it. They are her. And that kind of makes my cop out, my "yeah right, that's not possible," not really possible for me to say anymore. God has put these friends in my life and I stare at them, their lives, bewildered and flabbergasted. But they do it. Did I mention they have kids? That used to be the other excuse. The excuses are gone.

Back to that battle--the war within. It's between the side of me that looks around at most people and says, "Take it easy! Go shopping. Go out to eat. Buy some clothes and some things for you. You'll feel better. Get a Starbucks whenever you want it. Don't cook dinner because you're tired. Take time for you, cause you need it," and another side. A quieter side. A more difficult way. The other side tells me to stay home most days. To focus on my two little girls and their needs. To focus when I am disciplining them instead of giving them half-hearted instructions and half-hearted "no's." To read to them, dance with them, play with them. To maintain the household in between. To love and respect my husband. In short, to lay down my life. This is how God has called me to lay down my life. It may not be what He calls everyone to do. But it is for me, and oh, how I fight it. Every. Day.

In the night I can't run away from Him. I definitely try with my thoughts (yep, I think sometimes about what I want to buy). But I am so thankful that He is a God who pursues me and calls me to greater things. Will I ever be what He's called me to be? Thankfully, that's not completely up to me. If I walk with Him, He can work through me. I cannot do the changing myself. And that is a gracious, relieving thought.